From my journal

This an excerpt from my real journal. I felt like putting these thoughts out here, but feel very...vulnerable that they will be misconstrued or laughed at. I usually don't mind what people think of me, but this is a great, big chunk of sad that I got inside me and I don't want people who are supposed to be my "friends" poking at it. So, here goes.

So...it's been almost half a year since I've enjoyed any physical pleasure. This dry spell isn't nearly as bad as the last one, for several reasons. One, I know I can handle it. Two, my libido is way down in both ferocity and frequency, thanks to my birth control.

But I'm hitting a spell of...mostly emotional despair. After all, it's been nearly three years since I truly felt that kind of love from someone, and I feel that part of my heart locking up. Even as I write, it's as if something within my breast is contracting, going into hibernation. Waiting.

Or tired of waiting.

I barely bother to please myself thses days, too much rattling in my head. My friends, family, and future all reconfigure themselves in cryptic, elusive designs.

I wait for a final piece to complete my restless mental Rubik's cube.

But while I wait, I also forget. I've forgotten what it feels like for trembling figures to caress my face. I've forgotten the sublime weight of a body beside me, above me, behind me. I've forgotten how it feels to wake up knowing that a body wakes beside me, ready to face the day hand in hand.

But if I can write about the physical stuff, it can't be that I've forgotten it.

Perhaps I just miss it.

Those things and so many others. I miss having to talk to someone every day to make the day complete. I miss the thrill of reunion, no matter how short the time of separation was. I miss being in a crowded room and seeing only one man who holds my heart.

But I can't miss these things. Or forget them.

Because I never had them. And the longer I spend on this planet, the more I feel these hopes fading into memories.

But not my memories.

These are memories I may never have.

Hello again, oh invisible audience! Once again I shall pretend anybody is reading this! As unpopular as I am, I think I could just as easily pretend this is a journal that no one will ever read.

As you all know, I'm fat. I'm a big girl. Been that way as long as I remember. Looking at chubby little girls now, all I can think is, "she better be funny or damn smart." Most of them look like little rednecks in training, but I try not to judge.

Still, there are days where I feel sexy. Not in a normal way, not at all. I look at blonde size sixes and know that my body type will never be more preferable in the public's eye. But hey, I'm not meant to appeal to the public. Who wants to be anyway? What I am looking for, though, is that one eye that I catch on a day when my hair is bouncing and vibrant and my walk is smooth and confident. I feel like I could tackle anything on those few precious days.

But it's so seldom I catch an eye. They're all glazed over, fogged by this haze of skinny bitches and tiny tits. I've got more bounce, more roll, more depth, more creativity built up in me that only a handful of men have even bothered looking for.

What kills me is that the one who loved me the most for it, the one who loved the thing I hate most about myself, he was the one I could never really trust. It ripped us apart, that I didn't trust him and he didn't understand me. Dug me, yes. But didn't understand me.

Last movie I saw: Death Proof. Not among my favorite Tarantino films. the Kill Bills still have it. I think my favorite parts of the movie were the allusions to his other films and seeing Tracie Thoms talk shit behind the wheel of that Charger.

More later, bitches! Behave.

First things first...

All right, seeing as how no one will read this, I'm going to reveal a few personal things about myself.

1. I eat my own boogers. I think they're tasty.

2. I'm so racist in my head. I can't fix it. I never say the comments in my head, but the fact that they're there both disturbs and amuses me.

3. I have no self-control when it comes to sex. I'll do it with anyone who offers. Thankfully, God seemed to realize this fault and gave me a predeliction for eating too much. My weight is my only defense against an onslaught of STD's and unwanted pregnancies.

4. I lie all the time. So disregard everything you just read.

5. I love movies, I love talking about movies, and I love sharing my movie knowledge with others. Take them or leave them, that's what I do.

Enjoy.