From my journal

This an excerpt from my real journal. I felt like putting these thoughts out here, but feel very...vulnerable that they will be misconstrued or laughed at. I usually don't mind what people think of me, but this is a great, big chunk of sad that I got inside me and I don't want people who are supposed to be my "friends" poking at it. So, here goes.

So...it's been almost half a year since I've enjoyed any physical pleasure. This dry spell isn't nearly as bad as the last one, for several reasons. One, I know I can handle it. Two, my libido is way down in both ferocity and frequency, thanks to my birth control.

But I'm hitting a spell of...mostly emotional despair. After all, it's been nearly three years since I truly felt that kind of love from someone, and I feel that part of my heart locking up. Even as I write, it's as if something within my breast is contracting, going into hibernation. Waiting.

Or tired of waiting.

I barely bother to please myself thses days, too much rattling in my head. My friends, family, and future all reconfigure themselves in cryptic, elusive designs.

I wait for a final piece to complete my restless mental Rubik's cube.

But while I wait, I also forget. I've forgotten what it feels like for trembling figures to caress my face. I've forgotten the sublime weight of a body beside me, above me, behind me. I've forgotten how it feels to wake up knowing that a body wakes beside me, ready to face the day hand in hand.

But if I can write about the physical stuff, it can't be that I've forgotten it.

Perhaps I just miss it.

Those things and so many others. I miss having to talk to someone every day to make the day complete. I miss the thrill of reunion, no matter how short the time of separation was. I miss being in a crowded room and seeing only one man who holds my heart.

But I can't miss these things. Or forget them.

Because I never had them. And the longer I spend on this planet, the more I feel these hopes fading into memories.

But not my memories.

These are memories I may never have.